A Loco Viewpoint
In Praise Of Autumn
To say the snow last week was a wee bit unexpected, not to mention unwelcome, is an understatement along the magnitude of, “Cupcake is a little sensitive to negative comments about her cooking.” It was, however, an opportunity to gauge my cold conditions readiness. The brush with ‘insta-winter’ was a gruelling, but necessary test of my heating system prowess.
I failed miserably. Our furnace was deader than Ray Rice’s football career. Grandma, at 92, was so cold that when her old, dry knees knocked together from the chill, I was afraid she’d spontaneously combust.
I did, however, find out my furnace actually has not just one obvious fuse location, but two fuses, that must be of the non-burnt out variety for the machinery to work. It took me three days to figure that out for myself, as, amazingly, the furnace repair places claimed they were all too busy for me, and couldn’t get here until a week from Friday, when it was to go back up to 21 degrees. Frankly, I believe they are all in league against me.
But that is one of the great things about autumn. It’s like a warning shot across the bow. It’s the adjustment period between way too hot and way too cold. It’s the lull betwixt needlessly noisy motorcycles and needlessly noisy snowmobiles.
Cupcake is not a fan of autumn whereas I’m a real fall guy. She loves sunny summer days and dreads having to put shoes on, as she claims her feet are claustrophobic. I wasn’t aware that individual body parts could have their own neurosis and told her so in no uncertain terms. She just shrugged and said if that was true, Cialis and Viagra would not exist.
There are, however, a great many reasons to prefer autumn over summer, in my book. Okay, so I don’t actually have a book, but if I did, I would definitely advise people that fall really rocks. In fact, I decided to list all the great reasons that make autumn the superior season. Here they are in no particular order:
• The wasps will all die! Mwahahahahahahaha! Oh, how we hate wasps! We’re against torture and cruelty in all forms, of course, but are willing to make an exception for wasps.
• The lawn doesn’t need mowing every twenty minutes like at the height of the growing season. Some days it seems to grow so fast, you need to drag a mower behind as you push one in front.
• I won’t be tempted to sit outside without a shirt on. Real men sitting in their back yards doff their shirts to get a tan. I’m always tempted to, but take pity on those around me who would be exposed to the mass of pasty white flesh. Plus those around me all think they’re comedians. Fall takes away all need to think about it.
• The nice thing about fall is that anonymous gifts of zucchini start tapering off.
• I don’t have to chug my Slurpee to avoid total ice crystal meltdown. This is a huge plus as it allows me to sip it slowly and avoid cranium-crushing brain freezes that feel like I’m a blunt trauma victim on CSI.
• The cooler temperatures of fall allow you to set your beer down on the patio table without it heating up like it’s on a hot plate.
• At this time of year, I am no longer required to do regular pool maintenance without receiving the alleged fringe benefits of being, “the pool boy.”
• Come fall, Cupcake allows other settings on our bedroom ceiling fan other than, “Boeing wind tunnel speed” which can push you into the pillow top a good three inches.
• I don’t have to wear white pants for another six months (Like I’d ever wear white pants).
• It’s a dry cold.
• The pressure I get from Cupcake to buy a fishing boat and camper abates a bit come fall.
• Young girls in Autumn no longer wearing abbreviated clothing with their cleavage popping out like a bunch of shameless hussies that need to learn some decency (Cupcake suggested that one).
• With cooler days, I won’t be as bitter about green algae taking over local lakes. Stupid green algae.
• The mosquitoes that are left are sick-looking stragglers we actually feel sorry for. Not really.
• You can dress in layers for customized temperature-controlled comfort. It may make you look fat, but it makes everyone look fat. In Canada in cold weather, you can either look fat or look frost-bitten.
• It’s cool enough to start wearing my onesie again!
• Cupcake, who is manic about keeping the house cool in summer, lets us use the oven again.
• You can see your breath in the morning, even if you did brush your teeth.
• Leaves turn colour with splashes of red and yellows and browns. As beautiful as it is, it’s understood that if your skin does the same thing, you really need to go see a doctor.
• Cupcake spends much less time complaining that we don’t have air conditioning in the house.
• I am free of the oppression of the raspberry bushes and the apple tree continually jettisoning wasp bait.
• Farmers markets actually have farmers selling produce, not just people selling Watkins spices and Tupperware mini plastic food totes.
• Incidents are greatly reduced of lines of traffic caused by fifth wheels being towed by SmartCars.
• Gasoline starts to come down in price. Of course it coincides with the furnace starting to kick in.
As you can see, there are a cornucopia of reasons autumn is better than summer. (You also get to work the word ‘cornucopia’ more easily into conversations in the fall.) All one has to do is embrace it.
“Yes,” grunted Cupcake. “Autumn is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Here’s a list of chores we have to do to get ready for winter. Enjoy.” I hate fall.
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