A Loco Viewpoint

Moronic Awards

It’s Irony Week here at the palatial offices of Loco World Group headquarters in downtown Millet. It’s nice to see the Mainstream Media out in force for this prestigious event. They are all filing stories like mad, vying for the highly coveted trophy awarded by the Loco Endowment for the Advancement of Irony. The prize is for the news piece voted “Most Ironic” and is named, “The Mo-Ronic Award”. Given the plentiful supply of absurdist irony in the news lately, let’s get cracking.
 The first nominee comes to us from the NHL. Endeavoring to force the Players’ Association to knuckle under league owners’ demands, Gary “Mr. Class (albeit low class)” Bettman brought in a reviled American GOP party spin doctor to help with the PR battle being waged in their labour dispute. The league president planned to use the “marketing research firm”, Luntz Global, (AKA Romney’s attack ad brain trust) to reverse fan’s opinions that the owners appear to be a bunch of greedy Mr. Potters from “It’s a Wonderful Life”.    
 Bettman was betting if the fans reviled the players more than the owners, the players’ unity would collapse like a dollar store camping chair, making them agree to the owners’ blatant cash grab. The pushback to news of the US bully coming to brainwash the fan-base became so great, Bettman was forced to turn around and offer the NHLPA what appears to be a reasonable 50/50 offer. No doubt Bettman will be getting another big, fat bonus for solving yet another lockout that occurred during his watch. This would be like the bonus he received for negotiating their last contract. You know, the one used for the last seven years that Bettman declared during these negotiations, was grossly unfair and had to be changed.
 It’s rare for a news story to feature this many layers of irony. Well done, Mr. Bettman! Wait. What’s that? The NHLPA rejected 50/50? It just gets better.
  Mo-Ronic Award nominee is Quebec Premier Pauline Marois. Ms. Marois believes the nation of Quebec is so strong, so vibrant, so… superior, she doesn’t need the blessing of Canada, Quebec’s partner for centuries, to dissolve the marriage between them. She did, however, feel the need to go to France and bend over backwards to kiss the French leaders’ derrierres while on bended knee (admittedly a heckuva trick) for that country’s approval for separation!
 Wait… what? If the cause is just and your viability beliefs are correct, you don’t need the blessing of France to proclaim independence. You just need a majority of voters that believe as you do. Oh… right… Marois doesn’t have that. Separatists are a dwindling resource and nowhere near the majority, anymore. Could that be why your Overlords in Mother France chose to be neutral on the issue? It appears obvious, even they aren’t all that interested in your separation plans. As always, Ms. Marois is a fine candidate for the Mo-Ronic Award, indeed.
 Another great potential recipient of the Mo-Ronic Award goes to Ontario ex-premier Dalton McGuinty. This heretofore Teflon-coated politician just left the premier’s post without warning and prorogued Ontario’s legislature indefinitely, until his Liberals can get their poop in a group and select a replacement. The ironic twist came in his resignation speech where the three-term premier said it was time for provincial Liberals were rejuvenated by new ideas, which, by resigning, he indicated he lacks. However, he is not denying an interest in the leadership of the federal Liberals who needs new, fresh and innovative ideas more than even the battered folks at Research in Motion. This is somewhat of a controversial nomination as some members of the committee felt McGuinty’s actions aren’t as much ironic as they are spectacularly ballsy or plain stupid.
 The committee was unanimous, however, in nominating Jason Kenney, Canada’s feisty Immigration Minister. The Mo-Ronic panel appreciated the irony of Kenney using twenty year-old, already settled, minor paperwork snafus, to deny entry to Canada, the infamous anti-Islamist and Koran cremator, Reverend Terry Jones. Kenney feared the reverend’s strong, polarizing, hate-filled views needlessly inflame sensibilities in Muslim-dominated Middle-East countries and are not welcome in Canada. Minister Kenney, on the other hand, had no trouble allowing George W. Bush into the country, despite assertions by human rights groups of atrocities committed by “Dubya” during his term in office. One such group was the Malaysian government who tried Bush and six of his staff in absentia and found them guilty of war crimes.
 Seriously, Mr. Kenney, who has enflamed anger more in the Muslim world; Rev. Jones or President Bush?
 Then there is the potentially award winning irony, not to mention hypocrisy, of one-time Hollywood star Darryl Hannah arguing her guts out to stop the XL Pipeline and our oil sands in general. The pipeline is one of very few things that country’s presidential nominees actually can agree is a good thing, and are supported by a majority of citizens in both red and blue hues. The irony lies in how Ms. Hannah  manages to jet up here to warn us about our carbon footprint without a thought to her own. You see, there is, ironically enough, an oil sands operation in eco-crazy California, also ironic, which is much closer to her home that, again ironically, produces oil with a significantly higher carbon footprint than Canada’s cleaner products.
 The winner, however, hands down, of the fabled and prestigious Mo-Ronic Award, goes to a product, rather than a person. Last week, it was revealed that this product was contaminated and had to be recalled by the manufacturer. No, it wasn’t tainted beef, corrupted ginger or bagged salad this time; it was a recall of contaminated hand sanitizer.  You can’t get any more ironic than that.




 
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