A Loco Viewpoint
More Cold Weather Tips
It’s cold out there, folks, so we must take great care not to become folksicles. As a public service, here are more Cold Weather Tips to help keep you safe. (This paper takes no legal responsibility for anyone foolish enough to listen to life tips from a humourist.)
Snuggle with your honey. If it gets really, really cold, suggest inviting other honeys. Things will definitely get heated.
Don't shut your vehicle off, ever. If you get hate mail from environmentalists, burn it for heat. If you get real environmentalists at your door, they can be rendered down into heating oil.
Do not try opening your bedroom window. You'll just break it and then you'd be sorry. It is frozen shut and won't open until May again, just like Dairy Queens used to be before they sold hamburgers. Oh my gosh, I am old.
Take special care of pets you let outside to do their business. Do not leave them out for more than a minute. You do not want to risk them getting freezer burnt as they are your emergency rations.
Change the air filter in your furnace. An oil change along with it isn't necessary. Not only will this keep the air you breathe more dust-free, it is a quick, simple and inexpensive job jar task which beats "change wax seal on toilet base" by a long shot.
If the house gets cold and the furnace can't keep up, try this simple, albeit expensive five step solution. Step one; turn on oven to 350. Step two; open oven door. Step three; insert unbaked cookies. Step four: bake for twenty minutes. Step five; remove cookies. Repeat until spring.
Just as all the cars now seem to have the "heated seats" option, have the same technology installed around the home; including your recliner, your kitchen chairs and most importantly, your toilet. You don't want to have to chip off a layer of ice in order to flush.
Even if your car starts, it doesn't mean it won't freeze up en route to work. Better to call in sick. Run around outside in your undies breathing through your mouth to prepare for making the phone call to your boss.
Don't leave your brass monkey out.
Maintain a stock of supplies. Make sure you have plenty of extra beer, as you will need it as bait to get help from your buddies if something breaks down in the cold. You may want to get some extra food, too, but it's not as important.
Do not have a shot of tequila or other spirits if they have been left out in -40 temperatures. It may still be liquid but besides freezing your esophagus, it will give you the mother of all brain freezes that would rival chugging a Slurpee.
Dress in layers. Start with one-piece long johns, then sweat pants and sweat shirt, then regular pants and sweater. The next layer is insulated coveralls, skidoo suit, parka, ski mask, balaclava, gloves inside mitts and a toque. You're now ready to go outside to get the newspaper that the delivery guy threw onto the deck. Heaven help you if you have to answer the call of nature any time soon. Consider getting catheterized for this purpose.
Learn the six stages of frostbite severity but only from a book or website, not personal experience. Don't look at the pictures, they’re revolting.
Keep your vehicle plugged in, despite the cost, just in case at any time, you can say ‘chuck it all’, hop in and drive south until people ask what the plug is for.
Always carry booster cables in your vehicle but never take them into a bar. People will think you're trying to start something. Booster cables are not only great for starting comatose vehicles, but also for frying the computer systems in newer cars. The more expensive the car, the greater the likelihood.
If you're going to be outside, carry tissues. Severe cold may make water freeze instantly but it also makes noses run voluminously. Why this happens is one of the Mysteries of the Ages.
Avoid excessive use of alcohol. The extra calories will keep you warm but may lead you to make poor choices like going streaking, making snow angels while naked and investing in BitCoin.
Be doubly vigilant about not "flying low" in the trouser department. ‘Nuff said.
Do not put your tongue on anything metal. Why we have to actually warn people not to do this is mind boggling. Why would anyone put their tongue on a flag pole? Wait until it warms up if you must.
To prevent frostbite, rub your extremities and stamp your feet. If you are with a friend, it's more fun to rub each other's extremities. Continue to stamp your own feet.
Don't tick off your wife as flowers don't last in this temperature more than a few seconds. and dead flowers do nothing for frigidity. Chocolates are better as she will be much warmer when she gains weight.
Remove all exposed piercings. They conduct heat very effectively and will lead to frost bitten earlobes, eyebrows, noses, lips etc. Frostbite is not super cool. Heat conduction isn't always bad since, though it could cause permanent scarring for piercing fans, it will help a potato to bake faster if pierced with a metal rod.
We lose a large percentage of heat from our head so make wearing a ski mask a habit, especially if you’re unattractive. I got mine.
If you have any other tips you’d like to share with the world please send them to me care of this paper. Remember; frostbite is no laughing matter.
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