Timeline of pre-Canadian history

A humorous look at Canadaian history in time for July 1.

FOREIGN BORN - Canada's first prime minister was foreign born.

We all know how Canada turned out.

Between the trans-Canada railway, the gold rush and winning the ’72 Canada/Soviet hockey series, we’re all familiar with the headlines that reported on the history of our great nation. How we became a nation is less well remembered. Here are the headlines that led up to our first government. (Some dates were estimated. Some

facts, too.)

September 7, 750,000,000 BCE: Dinosaurs rule Canada. Some claim this still is the case. The thunder-lizards eventually died from smoking-related causes

conveniently creating vast pools of oil under Western Canada.

February 10th, 30,000 BCE: First wave of pioneers arrive from Russia. The New Canadians journeyed by way of a frozen-over Bering Strait. These first inhabitants immediately decide to become snowbirds and headed south for warmer

climes, starting a trend that Canadians embrace to this day.

August 22, 600 BCE: The Confederacy of the Longhouse established. This powerful aboriginal group was created by agreement of five large Iroquois tribes. They immediately voted down having a senate claiming it would probably become a

patronage pit.

May 7, 1000 : Icelandic boating enthusiast Leif Ericson discovers Newfoundland. Leif helped set up a settlement there but it only lasted a couple of years before they all left for work in Alberta. Leif became known as “Leif the Lucky”, although when he passed on he was called “Leif the Lucky

Stiff”.

March 3, 1492 : Christopher Columbus voyages to Canada, ends up in the Bahamas. Columbus wrote he’d felt stupid for failing to hit such a large target,

especially when the crew called him “Mr. Completely” behind his back.

March 18, 1497 : Giovani Gaboto sails to New World under assumed name, finds cape Breton. Using the alias, “John Cabot” Gaboto claims Coal Harbour for

England and creates a scenic drive around Nova Scotia.

August 11, 1534: Jacque Cartier tours the Maritimes but claims Gaspe for France instead. Cartier later made trips up the St. Lawrence and named the new land Kanata from the native word for “I don’t understand what you’re asking.” The name was later changed to “Canada” by the same people who call

that Ontario city, “Trawna”.

October 24, 1606: The first stage production in Canada is performed. The play was written by Marc Lescarbot and was immediately picked up by the CBC as a mini-series starring Meagan Follows. Lescarbot also penned the first history of Canada which was a rather thin book as not much had happened yet since hockey

hadn’t been invented.

October 25, 1606 The first theatre review was written in Canada by Colin

McLean.

January 18, 1672: King James of England gives Hudson Bay Co. sole rights to

Canadian trade. Canada’s currency became based on the Beaver Pelt Standard.

May 29, 1743: Rocky Mountains discovered. Local natives were surprised they had

been lost, sticking up out of the ground like that.

March 23, 1752: First Canadian newspaper, the Halifax Gazette founded. Their

online edition was an utter failure.

July 1, 1867: Canada Is born. On this day, Canada became a nation from sea to sea to sea but not Newfoundland which was, apparently, more than a half an hour

behind.

March 3, 1875: First indoor hockey game played. The setting was Victoria

Skating Rink in Montreal. Thousands of Toronto fans showed up to boo.

August 8. 1867 Foreigner elected Prime Minister. Scotland-born John Macdonald, our beloved founding father, Sir John, Eh, was elected to our first parliament and served longer than any other Prime Minister to date. He also drank more

than all subsequent Prime Ministers combined.

*The factual details in this piece were supplied by http://www.canadahistory.com/timeline.asp.

 

 

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