It Started With Gnorme

Cupcake, the Queen of Accessorizing, has a horrible addiction. As usual, in cases of cruel dependencies, the first “hit” was free.

Cupcake, the Queen of Accessorizing, has a horrible addiction. As usual, in cases of cruel dependencies, the first “hit” was free. It happened some years ago when I received a lawn gnome as a prize at the Annual Dart Windup and Binge Drinking Festival. I thought the homely gnome was a booby prize since I have little use for garden ornaments and it usually takes someone with boobies to appreciate them. I did get a brain-wave, however, and it became a Mother’s Day gift for Cupcake. I thought at the time the gnome at least saved me the ten bucks I’d have blown on a card and a gift and I congratulated myself on being cleverly frugal. I was certain my Scottish forbearers were beaming at me from above, (or below, considering they’re my relatives).

Unfortunately, throughout my life, whenever I’d thought myself most intelligent were often the moments, in hindsight, I revealed substantial stupidity. The gnome incident is an ideal example.

Despite thinking I’d pulled off a coup, in retrospect I should have snuck it into some “old lady” garden who already had numerous gnomes, trolls and whatnot. The newbie could have mingled un-noticed with the rest. Instead, Cupcake fell in love with it and even named him; Gnorme. Eventually, she began attributing human thoughts and feelings to it. She even came to the bizarre belief the ornery ornament looked grumpy because he was lonely and needed a companion. To save poor Gnorme from a life of solitude, she bought another gnome, “to keep Gnormie company”. I must say, personally, when I’ve been in need of companionship, a short, hideous, mute guy would not be my first pick, although if that’s someone else’s thing, have at ‘er.

Unsurprisingly, Cupcake’s gnome duet quickly became a trio, then a quartet. I was getting nervous she was trying to form an orchestra and decided to suggest she had enough gnomes. I’ll admit I wasn’t 100 per cent sure she was buying them or if they had some means of reproduction I’d rather not imagine.

“Do we really need an entire herd of poorly painted, grotesquely-disfigured ceramic-based life forms in our flower bed?” I asked tentatively. “Just say ‘no’ to gnomes already!”

So she stopped buying gnomes. Instead, however, she branched out into solar lights. She bought scads and oodles; everything from Dollarama cheapies that poke in the ground to long strings, like Christmas lights only dimmer, and less merry. There’s even a dog with a solar powered lantern. Why a dog needs to light his way when he has better night vision that any human, I couldn’t say.

There are solar powered flowers and butterflies and angels and every darned thing you can imagine. It’s sort of like an artist who can’t ever stop adding more paint to his canvas, never seeing it as being really “done”. Her flower bed became so populated with garden kitsch, there wasn’t room for plants.

“We need to make another garden. We can put it along the fence between the sidewalk and the gazebo,” she proclaimed, bandying the “we” word

about like it wouldn’t be a one-man operation.

“Like you have the time, the inclination or the hips and knees for gardening?” I asked, foolishly trying to inject a little logic into the proceedings and avoid back-breaking labour. She would not be thwarted.

“I already have that figured out. We will use that recycled rubber stuff that looks like tree bark and put in plastic flowers. That will give me about 75 square feet of rubber garden to fill with beautiful accents!”

By “beautiful accents”, Cupcake must have meant the heaps of solar-lit fake rocks, angel statues, lighthouses, and countless more decorative doodads she bought. It radiates so much illumination; pilots approaching the airport use her rubber garden as a guidance beacon.

I thought she had finally maxed out on her garden fashion frenzy until she went to visit our friend Tammy and was taken for a tour of Tammy’s “Tranquility Garden”. According to Cupcake, it was lovely, serene and had so much stuff, it made her “No Name” garden look barren; like the stark landscape of some remote rubber planet somewhere in the galaxy.

“I must get more stuff! I need more tranquility in my garden!” Cupcake said, panicking as if it’s a requirement to tart up your property to get into Heaven.

I don’t blame Tammy. I mostly blame Gnorme. That Tranquility Garden didn’t help, though. I guess I do blame Tammy, too. Darn you, Tammy!

 

 

Get local stories you won't find anywhere else right to your inbox.
Sign up here

Just Posted

Alberta has 3,651 active cases of COVID-19. (File photo)
432 new COVID cases sets another record Friday

Central zone holds steady at 126 active cases

"We are looking seriously at the spread and determining what our next steps should be," says Alberta’s chief medical officer of health, Dr. Deena Hinshaw, as the daily number of COVID-19 cases continues to climb.
427 new COVID cases is highest in Alberta ever

Central zone has 126 active cases of COVID-19

COVID-19. (Image courtesy CDC)
Temporary COVID-19 testing sites coming to Wetaskiwin and Ponoka

The Wetaskiwin location will open Oct. 23, 2020 and the Ponoka location will open Oct. 29.

COVID-19. (Image courtesy CDC)
City and County of Wetaskiwin reporting active cases

Both the City of Wetaskiwin and County of Wetaskiwin have active cases.

Alberta chief medical officer of health Dr. Deena Hinshaw updates media on the Covid-19 situation in Edmonton on Friday March 20, 2020. nbsp;Alberta is reporting it's highest daily number of COVID-19 cases, with 364 new infections. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Jason Franson
Alberta confirmed 323 COVID-19 cases Tuesday

Central zone active cases at 145

B.C. Liberal leader Andrew Wilkinson, B.C. NDP leader John Horgan and B.C. Greens leader Sonia Furstenau. (Black Press Media)
VIDEO: One day until B.C. voters go to the polls in snap election defined by pandemic

NDP Leader John Horgan’s decision to call an election comes more than a year ahead of schedule and during a pandemic

Comedic actor Seth Rogen, right, and business partner Evan Goldberg pose in this undated handout photo. When actor Seth Rogen was growing up and smoking cannabis in Vancouver, he recalls there was a constant cloud of shame around the substance that still lingers. Rogen is determined to change that. (Maarten de Boer ohoto)
Seth Rogen talks about fighting cannabis stigma, why pot should be as accepted as beer

‘I smoke weed all day and every day and have for 20 years’

Leader of the Opposition Erin O’Toole rises during Question Period in the House of Commons Thursday October 22, 2020 in Ottawa. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Adrian Wyld
O’Toole tells Alberta UCP AGM Liberals were ‘late and confused’ on COVID response

He says Alberta Premier Jason Kenney has taken charge and not waited to make things happen

Alberta Premier Jason Kenney arrives for an announcement at a news conference in Calgary, Alta., Tuesday, Sept. 15, 2020. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Todd Korol
Inquiry into oil and gas foes to deliver report next year: Kenney

A lawsuit filed by environmental law firm Ecojustice argues the inquiry is politically motivated

The Canadian border is pictured at the Peace Arch Canada/USA border crossing in Surrey, B.C. Friday, March 20, 2020. More than 4.6 million people have arrived in Canada since the border closed last March and fewer than one-quarter of them were ordered to quarantine while the rest were deemed “essential” and exempted from quarantining. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Jonathan Hayward
Majority of international travellers since March deemed ‘essential’, avoid quarantine

As of Oct. 20, 3.5 million travellers had been deemed essential, and another 1.1 million were considered non-essential

This photo provided by Air Force Reserve shows a sky view of Hurricane Epsilon taken by Air Force Reserve hurricane hunter team over the Atlantic Ocean taken Wednesday, Oct. 21, 2020.   Epsilon’s maximum sustained winds have dropped slightly as it prepares to sideswipe Bermuda on a path over the Atlantic Ocean.  The National Hurricane Center says it should come close enough Thursday, Oct. 22, evening to merit a tropical storm warning for the island.  (Air Force Reserve via AP)
Hurricane Epsilon expected to remain offshore but will push waves at Atlantic Canada

Epsilon is not expected to have any real impact on land

A voter places her absentee ballot in the ballot box, Wednesday, Oct. 7, 2020, at Merrill Auditorium in Portland, Maine. THE CANADIAN PRESS/AP/Robert F. Bukaty
American voters living in Canada increasingly being counted in presidential race

The largest number of Canadian-based American voters cast their ballots in New York and California

A composite image of three photographs shows BC NDP Leader John Horgan, left, in Coquitlam, B.C., on Sept. 25, 2020; BC Green Party Leader Sonia Furstenau, centre, in Victoria on Sept. 24, 2020; and BC Liberal Party Leader Andrew Wilkinson Pitt Meadows, B.C., on Sept. 24, 2020. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Darryl Dyck, Chad Hipolito
British Columbia votes in snap election called during COVID-19 pandemic

NDP Leader John Horgan called the snap election one year before the fixed voting date

Nunavut's provincial flag flies on a flag pole in Ottawa, on Tuesday June 30, 2020. The annual report from Nunavut's representative for children and youth says "complacency and a lack of accountability" in the territory's public service means basic information about young people needing services isn’t tracked. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Adrian Wyld
Nunavut’s young people ‘should be expecting more’ from government services: advocate

‘The majority of information we requested is not tracked or was not provided by departments’

Most Read