I think I’m going to start my own political party. It sure beats setting up a fake charity to defraud the government. Politics is the legal option, for one thing. Plus they are somewhat similar except donors get 75% of their money back from the government if they donate to me… I mean my party. It’s a way easier sales pitch to sell than, “Do It For the Children!”
Of course I’m starting this party because of deep concern for my fellow man, blah blah, but also because of a message I received from a Higher Power. The Higher Power was my bank manager advising me that my current pension prospects are grim. I figure having my own party and gaining power, even a little bit of power, would take care of everything. I’ll be set by the time I get OAS, CPP, my RRSP’s and any other initials that will pay me for having attained geezer status; complete with distaste for kids on my lawn.
Obviously, I’ll need a catchy name for my new party. ‘My Best Ticket to the Good Life Party’ doesn’t quite have the right optics, so maybe something like ‘The Alberta Rose Party’. No wait, I better not, in case I go federal, too.
For now we’ll call it, “The Better Tomorrow Party”. We don’t need to discuss whose better tomorrow is at stake right now, but rest assured all of my supporters will be well rewarded. That’s how you get supporters. They know how the system works. Show a bit of potential and well-heeled political donors will break down your doors to give you money in brown bags just to be your friend. I could use some friends like that. Well, use their money, at least.
Now that we have a name, we must develop some politically popular promises for our election campaign. First, we’ll promise to dump all the hated new taxes just like the WRP. If that isn’t popular enough, we’ll promise to flush all the old taxes, too. Nobody likes taxes. Don’t worry, though, once we’re in power and have a look at the books, I’m certain we’ll find out the previous bunch of thugs had raided the larder and we won’t be able to cancel taxes like we thought we could. I think people are satisfied with good intentions, rather than results, as a number of governments have proven throughout our history.
The next thing we’re going to promise and maybe even do, (you have to have a couple of those thrown in; sort of like “salting” a mine with gold or diamonds to attract buyers) is get rid of the hated Daylight Savings Time. It saves daylight about as well as governments save money. There are heaps of scientific studies demonstrating clock tinkering is harmful physically, mentally, and even spiritually, as we wonder why a caring Deity would saddle us with different time zones in which we must manage all the daylight. I know this initiative will be a winner. It’s cheap to implement and it’s an issue that would make anti-DST folks vote for whatever party they believe would keep that promise. My party will be hailed as heroes! Well, me, at least.
My party will also stand as a bastion of openness and accountability, at least until we’re in power. As a new party, we haven’t had time to do anything we need to keep secret. It’s like the NDP feeling smug about senate scandals, given they’ve never held power to appoint orange-hued pigs to that trough.
Our party would also introduce a Guaranteed Annual Income so everyone in the province would receive whatever minimum wage is at the timejust for being an Albertan. It’s clawed back through taxes, however, since it boosts everyone’s bracket. I can’t release details but it will increase our population and people could actually live on service industry wages. We wouldn’t need all the other income support programs, either, so we would save oodles in administration. We haven’t costed this program out to the penny, of course. We’re certain, though, it will work once we spend millions studying it after we gain leadership of the government through sincere-sounding promises.
We will promise many feel-good ideas such as “fixed election date legislation” and “balanced budget legislation” as well as similar bills that we can turf the minute they become inconvenient. Life is just so much easier when you get to make the rules.
Vote for the Better Tomorrow Party. Do it for the Children!