Vol 15, Issue 10, Leduc – Wetaskiwin Pipestone Flyer
Writing a column week after week can sometimes be a trying effort. I have to admire people like Chris McKerracher who always puts out funny stuff week after week. So my solution to this is to try and change up the material. So this week, I am going to unveil my new advice column called Dear Willy. (My middle name is William so this is an accurate title to use.)
Now first off I do not have a degree in psychology, counseling or anything like that so this column should be taken about as seriously as trying to get a cow to recite Shakespeare.
Also keep in mind I will never try to offer serious advice to a serious problem so if anyone sends in an email looking for advice, you can only expect stupid comments from a guy who has a degree in being a jackass.
On to my letter of the month. Please keep in mind I just thought up this idea so I sent myself an email. Which is good in the fact I did get a letter but keep in mind who wrote it.
Dear Willy: My girlfriend gets mad at me for eating greasy fried chicken in bed. She said I am a pig for doing this and I wondered if she is out of line for complaining in the first place. After all I like eating fired chicken in bed while watching Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. She also does not like me leaving the feathers behind either. Signed Lonely Drumstick.
Answer: Well Mr. Drumstick the fact that you would even question your girlfriend’s concern about eating fried chicken in bed makes me think you are not listening to her. Now I have to ask why you would eat fried chicken in bed in the first place. When your girlfriend talks to you, do you think it reminds you of a chicken clucking? Do you just mindlessly nod your head when she talks to you with a drumstick in your hand as you stare at the TV and wonder why you can’t hear the sound with her talking? You my friend are headed for trouble.
The fact you see nothing wrong with your behavior should send a signal your goose may soon be cooked. And where do you get the feathers and why do you bring them to bed? The last time I looked KFC did not offer a side dish of chicken feathers? Do you motor up to the drive-thru window and instead of fries ask for a order of feathers?
The fact you have a woman in your life should tell you to hang on to her like grim death, which could happen soon if you keep eating greasy fried food in bed. Either she will beat you in the head with a deep fryer or you will keel over from a heart attack.
There are a lot of food choices you could make that may not offend your girlfriend and would also be healthier for you. Try dry ribs, or maybe a salad. Or better yet, don’t eat in bed moron. Now if anyone wants to send me a question, my email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.