By Lanny Fleming
This is an open letter to the lady or gentleman who broke into my car last August. Now that it is the Christmas season and this is our official First Noel edition I thought I would take the time and write a letter to the individual that rifled through my car last summer. I hope you take this opportunity to maybe consider a different line of work and get an honest job, because as a thief, you suck.
I don’t know how else to put it but your job skills are something to be desired. Okay let me back up and give everyone else some details on what happened. I was at home on vacation last August and discovered while out walking the dogs that someone had rifled through my car. Now I realized that I probably left my car unlocked and it was an easy target, but if you are going to do a job, do it right.
First off the thing that you did steal, a two dollar tool bought from a dollar store, is not very useful. For some reason I did not throw it out, so thank you for taking it off my hands. The tool was about as useful as trying to change a tire using an orange peel as the wrench. The tool may have looked valuable sitting in that plastic shiny case but it wasn’t.
I hope, sir or madam that you are not trying to support any kind of habit by stealing, because the way you do your job you could not support a twinkie addiction. I don’t mean to sound cruel but take this as constructive criticism. You would do better by getting a honest job at a convienice store. You would get a free uniform, honest money and all the processed mystery meat you could eat.
First off, the really valuable stuff, like my air compressor, iphone FM transmitter, and box of real tools in the trunk went untouched. The tools alone would be worth more than that useless wrench you took.
I mean you would have been doing myself a favour by stealing my car, with all the money I have spent on repairs on that rolling junk heap since August, that would have been nice to miss. (For the record I bought a semi-new car that is now having problems and the manufacturer suddenly doesn’t understand what language I am speaking.)
The second thing you screwed up was leaving evidence behind of your criminal act. By leaving open the glove box and cubby hole lids, it gave away what you had done. This way I was able to report the crime to the police and now there is increased police patrols in the area, due in part to your efforts. If you have left the lids closed I might not have even noticed what had happened.
Stealing means by definition taking things of value from other people and selling them for profit. I am not sure if this was explained to you beforehand, because you seem to be missing the point. For example, you left a burned-copy of my Nistor Pistor CD behind. There are a few people of Ukrainian decent that would pay good money for that CD. You can’t buy it or download it anywhere.
So please take my advice, go turn yourself in, repent and become a contributing member of society, because as a thief, you leave a lot to be desired.